The Nearly Man of the Week

Hi Everyone

The nearly man, you know he has nearly won the Iran war and nearly opened the Strait of Hormuz, has been very quiet this week except for hiding in a catering van. Perhaps he is upset because he has lost a couple of golf balls. Anyway, this week I was a nearly man. We were returning from our trip to the Peak District when I realised that we were low on petrol. A check on our son’s phone revealed that the nearest filling station was 6 miles away while the petrol gauge indicated 4 miles. With the Main Contractor in panic mode at the thought of pushing the car in the heatwave, we reached zero with 2 miles to go. At this point we had underestimated our South Korean friends who had built the car, as the car reached the filling station with the engine still running. They had obviously dealt with English people like me before. The good news was that despite the Strait of Hormuz being closed we were still able to complete our journey. Phew.

As an eleven year old I left the Junior school for the big school, the local High School. As well as the usual subjects like Maths and English, we also had one woodwork period each week. Our woodwork teacher was Mr. (Billy) Howe. Apart from learning to plane a rough piece of wood and making a mortice and tenon joint from two pieces of wood, I cannot remember us furthering our DIY skills. At the end of the year we were supposed to have an exam with the marks recorded on our school report. What we quickly learned was that Billy did not bother with all that stuff but just wrote down a number with the highest marks for those nearest his desk with the furthest away having the lowest marks. Now I always tried to sit as near the back of the class unnoticed by the teacher, but in this instance I found myself on the bench next to his desk. Now Billy was a smoker and would puff on a cigarette while we tussled with our pieces of wood. On the odd occasion he would run out of his addictive supply, so as I was the nearest boy to his desk, he would send me to the tobacconist to buy his next packet of 20 cigarettes. That would involve me leaving the school by the back entrance so that nobody would see me go, and then running almost a mile there and a mile back all within the three quarter hour lesson. Guess who got the top mark in the end of year exam? Incredible.

Sadly Count Binface did not become a member of parliament this week despite getting almost 10,000 votes. This farcial by election cost us taxpayers almost £250,000 to re-elect the man who already had the job in the first place. He apparently called the election to stop the investigation into his financial affairs, which will now restart now that he is back in parliament. That means that there is the possibility of another expensive election in the near future. This man is a party leader hoping to be our next Prime Minister following our next main election in about two years time. As a clone of that other nearly man, I really hope that he will remain a nearly man, at least I hope he will be as long as I have a voting slip in my hand.

Just a Thought:

My Friend’s woodwork teacher had an easy grading system, if it floats its a boat, if it sinks its a door stop, and if it catches fire you failed the exam.

Why do they build pavements at the side of sreets and highways? So that Kia owners have a safe place to walk home.

In Great Britain, anyone can become Prime Minister. That’s the problem.

Brian 

Brian